It was a day 8 year old Cooper looked forward to; ?playing with typical peers at the St. Charles, IL XSport childcare area, while his father played basketball. Cooper has HF Autism and ?had just learned how to climb rock walls (a task difficult for him due to PANDAS and motor planning weakness) and was eager to practice at this particular location, as it has a childsize rock wall in the childcare area. ?The childcare employees knew of his diagnosis, and were schooled as to the procedure if Cooper were to start exhibiting anxiety. ?Cooper had no history of problematic behavior here in the past, and was just happy to be with the typically developing children he models.
Cooper and his typically developing brother were playing a game out of the rock wall, and Cooper thought his brother was cheating. ?A typical brotherly argument ensued and Cooper's anxiety started to rise. ?Cooper became aggressive with his brother who used all the tools in his 6 year old 'I have a brother with autism toolbox' to diffuse the situation. ?Eventually, he had to tell staff. ?Cooper was placed in a time out where he kicked the walls and cried. ?The manager was then called, as was Cooper's father to come and pick him up.
? In front of Cooper, the manager, Ron Stickney, tells Cooper's dad that he can never ever bring him back to Xsport Fitness. ? Cooper looks right into Ron Stickney's eyes and says 'Shut up-I don't like your words'. ? Ron then adds that he is has a 'permanent lifetime ban'.
Mom is working, and Cooper runs into mom's place of employment wailing to mommy that 'I tried my best, but my body was so frustrated that my brother was cheating on the game....and now my feelings are so hurt because I can never ever go back to Xsport to climb the rock wall again....(sobbs)....it's not fair!'
A lifetime ban....Really? Permanent? Or Power Trip? Adults as Bullys.
I am not making excuses for my son. At least I am not trying to... Yes, I wish he could self regulate better and respond like a typical child would if he or she became frustrated..oh, how I hate that my child tortures himself and suffers living in that body that doesn't work way he wants it to. ?Yeah, he shouldn't have kicked the wall, and if I were there I would have had the checkbook ready to pay for any damage. ?Yes, it was socially inappropriate for him to tell an adult to 'Shut up'...we are working on this extensively (we are using our words just working on the filtering part). ?Did the 'Autism Society of Illinois' Tshirt my husband had on give you any clue about our son? ?Apparently not.
So, as his mom, as usual, I am especially annoyed, defensive, and so sad for these misunderstood children... as we all know the numbers are only growing. ?I read a recent proposed stat of by the year 2025, at the rate we are going, that ?1 out of every 2 children will be diagnosed with some form of autism spectrum disorder. ?I am his mom, so I am close to the situation of course, and unfortunately encounter this sort of discrimination, judgement, and plain ignorance, multiple times a day on a daily basis (makes you kind of an angry bird).
So, I decide to google 'autistic child banned' and these are some of the stories that came up...
http://www.thewhig.com/2011/05/14/autistic-child-banned-from-school-after-physical-outburst
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V05jUSnJWs
http://www.sanduskyregister.com/threats/2010/jul/24/autistic-man-banned-quiznos
http://acatholicview.blogspot.com/2008/05/autistic-boy-banned-from-church.html
More stories to google involving people with autism have played out in public recently. A California man was kicked out of a health club for screaming. A North Carolina boy was taken off a plane before takeoff after having a meltdown. A South Carolina girl was ordered out of a restaurant by the town?s police chief for crying. ?I wonder if they were permanently banned for a lifetime? Sarcasm.
I didn't expect sympathy, but I guess I didn't expect the ignorance of the majority of the comments posted (even those with children with autism!)about such instances.
Here is a fair sample of some of the comments regarding this?(autistic boy banned from church) story I read with sadness....
'He's biting and pissing and screaming and spitting and he's a hulking behemoth. Sit next to him on the subway and then spout off with the everyone should be treated exactly the same rhetoric. It's not realistic.'
'Some are not as gifted are your son, some are uncontrollable Unlike your son. Like the one who brought all of this, spitting/hitting/yelling. That is what must be curtailed, everyone deserves their space of comfort.' ? Editor's Note- Cooper is HF and gifted intellectually. ?He is not considered severe, in fact considered extremely mild and near recovered...this is not about the severity of the disorder or mental capacity-it is about comorbid anxiety (which can result in aggression), and neurological disease process.
'My dd is autistic and has had similar problems with aggression in the past. This family needs to look past just themselves and their son. He could seriously hurt himself or someone else. Or worse. If they can't physically restrain him, then they need to look into medications for his out of control actions. This boy is 6' 4" and 225lbs. and can start a vehicle on his own. That's just dangerous.?So, to me, it seems they aren't concerned about anyone besides themselves. Just my opinion.'
'I agree. They are hiding behind the word "discrimination". Just because your child has a Special Need or issue doesn't mean it is OK to let him deface things, touch others or put others in harms way. It is YOUR job as a parent to accommodate him and put him in an atmosphere that will help him avoid the need to be calmed, the embarrassment and the danger they are exposing him to. I guarantee he's bored at the church, and can't behave. What they are doing as parents is far worse than the church needing to protect others. Of course it's the first they heard - they are defensive, so nobody would dare bring it to them. The kid is getting into puberty, and they excuse pulling a girl into his lap? Hello. And the discipline needs to be structured differently, but he does need to be disciplined. But mostly, he needs to be removed from situations that cause him failure and put him and others at risk. Poor kid. The parents probably always made excuses for him, exhausting themselves and not helping him grow.'
'I don't know what is right. I can see both sides...
I do know there was a little boy, about 10 then, in my area that is autistic and he was really good with my daughter, who was then, about 2 years old. And then one day, out of the blue, he hit her. We were just passing him in the hallway and it happened very fast - he wasn't with his regular aid, I always suspected was part of it. My daughter was fine, it hurt, and I realize this boy has big problems but I was still a little miffed. Needless to say, I never have given him the opportunity to get near either of my children since then and never will.?So yes, I can see both sides and I'm really glad I'm not involved because it is a lose / lose situation for the family and the church.'
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'I know it isn't the boy's fault but I believe the parents need to not use his disability as an excuse and take care of the situation before someone gets hurt. He needs some sort of help with his autism whether it be medication or the parent's educated on how to deal with it. I agree with the church because the parent's expect everyone else to deal with it instead of themselves. They are being selfish IMHO.'
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These last two comments, for some reason shocked me.... just when I didn't think people could shock me anymore. ?Then I stumbled across a Catholic blog (I have always blogged about how our Catholic parish and school have been so?accommodating?and loving toward Cooper) and I appreciated humanity again. ?Here are a few comments from this blog (A Catholic View) and this story that touched me personally.
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'I'm very torn about this issue. I feel for these parents. I have an autistic child. My fear is that stories like this one will paint all autistic children as loud, dangerous, and undesirable people to have in Mass. Before the birth of my son, I always believed that I could handle anything except a disabled child. What did God give me? A disabled child. I firmly believe that God gave me my son to teach me true love and devotion. It's easy to love others during the good times, but hard to love them when the going gets tough. My son's disruptions are usually talking and making the occasional odd sound or tic. Still, people stare. It's horrid and terrible to endure, especially in the ONE PLACE we should be shown love and understanding...the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. I pray that my son will be welcome despite his "odd" behavior. I have seen other children in church with disabilities, but autism seems to be on the receiving end of more judgmentalism than any other because these children look "normal" to outsiders and appear to be rude rather than disabled. I just ask others to try to understand and please stop staring. We are ALL created in God's image.'
'My foster kids were still small and relatively cute when they would act out in ways that still make me cringe when I think about them. And we were new to the parish, which didn't help.
In this situation, those parents NEED those graces. They NEED to be in church and experience the support of their parish. I'd suggest that the parishioners form a rotating schedule of people who would be willing to sit with Adam at home, so the parents can go to Mass unmolested.?
Most parishes are great about bringing meals to a shut-in, or Eucharist to the sick. This would be one more work of mercy that will make the angels sing.'
'Our Lord was the Lamb, but He was also the Lion of Judah and He spoke out when He encountered injustice and cruelty. So I am going to speak out on this topic.
For those of you who have sat in judgment of this boy and this family without having walked in their shoes, or any disabled person's shoes, perhaps you can pray for them, this priest, this parish, and for the Catholic Church. Perhaps when you have a severely autistic child of your own, you can put your judgments on this situation to work in your own lives.
Yes, Ms. Saxton, there is much this priest and parish could have done to help this family, I am certain.
Would Jesus have made this into a criminal matter as this priest and diocese has done by filing a criminal restraining order against this child and his family?
Please look up the therapeutic need for deep pressure for some autistic people (why his family would sit on him, and why he pulled the girl onto his lap).
The family and the church needed to work together.
If 1 in 10 people are disabled according to recent census data, why don't we see more persons with special needs at Mass? THIS story is a good example as to why. They are home instead of sitting at our Lord's Table of Plenty because the "closed" sign has been hung out on our church doors to those society ropes off as "other".'
'The reason that you do not see more autistic people in Church is that we are, overall, woefully?ignorant?and intolerant about the disorder.
PDD is a spectrum of related disorders, with autism at the extreme end. You have most likely seen it in a Catholic school or Confirmation class in the form of Asperger's syndrome - the kid who doesn't seem to be able to pick up on social cues and that everyone treats like garbage. What people don't understand is that the inability to process verbal and facial cues is neurological, we rely on part of our brain to help with that. So, the assumption is that the disability equates to lack of emotional depth. In reality, those with the disorder know that they are being rejected and belittled, yet everyone is surprised when they exercise the golden rule and treat others badly in return.
I cannot say how disruptive this situation was, but I would strongly suspect that just being himself, just being different, was as large a factor as the behaviors themselves. Of course, this is precisely the same sort of thinking that Jesus rebelled against in ministering to societies outcasts.?
Though, to be fair, lack of understanding contributes. For example, I would bet good money that the sitting had to do with providing tactile pressure, not restraint. Sensory integration, processing our senses, requires specific portions of our brain to be properly developed. That is why the boy sometimes has trouble with continence. So do many of the elderly in my parish, should they be driven away?
This is only a 'tough' situation if we adopt the model of faith endorsed by the Pharisee's. Read Matthew 25, this parish has no room for the boy, he is welcomed at the parish a town over. When both bodies are called before the Son of Man, what criteria will they be judged?
These are societies weakest members. We are directly instructed to serve them. If it is 'impractical' to?accommodate?them in the practice of our faith, that faith is, inherently, no longer Christian. Let's face it, all the ritual is meaningless if we specifically reject Christ's direct instructions.'
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So..in closing...Cooper's brother (the one who got the brunt of any aggression (except maybe the walls a bit) at XSport today said 'Don't worry mom, I am going to be an?entrepreneur?when I grow up and buy this chain out so Coop won't be banned for his entire lifetime.
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